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Sat Nov 23, 2013, 2:41 PM
It's been a month since Pocky passed away. Every time I think I'm fine I'll look at his pics again but it won't take long before I start to cry. I guess it will take a long, long time until I can see his pics with a smile. One day I hope I can say I want to remember how he lived and not how he died. That's a line a mother said about her son who died in a tragic way. But she was able to say it 10 years after the boy's death. Before, it was so painful to see the pics/videos of him, she said (I was talking about Eric’s Clapton’s son’s death). So I don’t know how long I’m able to say it myself since I love Pocky like my own kid.
For some people, Pocky was just a bird and they will write comments about him with such thought in their minds. So no matter how many times I said I really love him, they will never have a clue how precious he was to me (and still is). Love is such an underrated word, easily said without people really mean it. How many times people have said they love their pets but will prefer everything else to their pets when they have to choose. I know it’s hard to love animals unconditionally, especially if they aren’t tamed or bonded with us. I myself don’t love all my pets equally. I’ve never been this sad about losing a pet. Pocky was the apple of my eye. I just want people know it and say something with such regard.
No one would say to a grieving mother that she’s still young and can make another child again in her mourning time. Nor people would suggest her to just adopt a kid because they think she would love any kids with same age, same height, same hair color and eye like her deceased kid. There will always be just one Pocky… and no other mauve personata lovebirds can replace him. I want to have a bond like I had with him again with another bird… but not to replace him because I know each bird will have different personality. They smile and act differently, much like humans do.
People who see Pocky as just a bird might think I’m such a drama queen. But if they see him in a more general way as something precious to someone, if only they try putting them selves in my shoes, imagining what if their precious one is gone forever, they probably will understand. It doesn’t even have to be a living being. It could be a leg for a dancer, a hand for a pianist, a face for a model, and so on. He was that precious to me.
No one would say to a person who has just got blind that she should be grateful she doesn’t lose her hearing too and give her a set of Braille books so that she could read again ASAP. I love my other birds but Pocky was special. It’s like our favorite candy that we can no longer have once we get diabetes. Some people might easily say, “Suck it up, you can live on without sugar!” True, but not necessarily said. Even though they are said with good intentions, I can’t help but think it’s so heartless to say such things when people are still grieving about what precious thing/person they have just lost.
I know it’s internet and I know it’s useless to expect people give a long thought about what they will say. I write this just to vent up… nothing more nothing less. Sometimes it’s tiring to keep thinking we should be careful about how we say something and react to something when others can say whatever they want with an excuse, “I meant good, ya know!”
When I said I feel alone in my grief, I didn’t mean I wanted people to come with a choco cake and ask me to eat them all so that I would feel better, but when I refused eating it because I was too sad to eat anything they would throw the cake on my head and say how rude I was, how ungrateful and leave right away. Lol, why do I love using metaphors…? I think I just love to be given space to grieve without people poking my soft spot every now and then. I’d love them to stay and act like normal, commenting on my other bird pics, for example.
If I had a friend who was grieving, I would stay next to her when she cried. I wouldn’t bother with cakes and words but I would be there when she needed me, not when I could. I would make my time for her which would mean a lot more than money could buy because even rich people also have 24 hours a day and not all people is willing to miss their precious time with family, miss an episode of a favorite TV series, cancel a travel plan, and so on for a grieving friend.
I wouldn’t ask “How are you?” every day which would just remind her something had gone wrong in her life. If I wanted to see her smile, I wouldn’t ask her to stop crying… I would tell jokes and help her with chores so that she could smile and forget her sorrow even though for just a few minutes. I wouldn’t ask, talk or say anything that would make her remember the sad event, unless she started it first. I understand I might be nothing compared to something/someone she has just lost. But I would do it anyway and if people asked why, I could simply say, “Because I care about her.”
But yeah, I know… it’s too good to be true to be applied on strangers. That’s why I wouldn’t say many words to grieving people when I don’t know them better. I wouldn’t say “I know how you feel” so easily… Losing Pocky is hard but what makes it unbearable is the way he died. I’ll have to live with this guilt in my heart for the rest of my life. People who wrote to me saying they know how I feel when they only have pets/family dead from illnesses or natural causes will never know the pain from guilt. It’s like I was telling the world I had a skin cancer and it was itchy, but the response I got were people sharing their stories about how itchy their skins after getting bitten by ants.
So unless they accidentally ran over their sons to dead, or made their parents tripped on stairs with heads split open when they hurried them up, or stabbed their spouses making them bleed to dead while they were cooking, or smothered their babies accidentally when they took a nap together… they wouldn’t know how I feel.
When our love ones died, we might want to talk about it over and over with others. This talking therapy usually makes we feel better in time. We might even come out and feel like a hero because we did our best for our loved ones’ dying days. But no, we WON’T feel like that if they died from accidents where we were responsible for it. Every question, like how old he was, how he died, how do you feel… would sting our hearts with pain. Even without a reminding question, it’s difficult to forget the horror of the event and how stupid we were.
There were people who have lost their beloved pets in tragic ways. A cat died in a running washing machine, a bird got kicked and died while sleeping together with his owner… To those people I agree they have at least the right to say… “I know how you feel.” But even so, in my most grieving days… I couldn’t write a single word of reply… This might sound rude but I didn’t care about what happened to others when I was deep in my grief. I lost my manners. I couldn’t write I’m sorry to hear that, etc, etc. I couldn’t think of anything else but Pocky for days… I barely ate and took a bath. All I could do was calling his name over and over again, telling him I was so sorry. All I wanted was him coming back to me. No words, no story, no consolation could ease my pain back then.
It was so hard to accept his death. I couldn’t even cry the first 30 minutes after the accident. I was confused. I was hoping I was dreaming. I was mumbling I didn’t remember what but after that, I got hysterical. I didn’t want to believe he was gone. There was no blood, nothing. He just looked like he was sleeping. But his neck was boneless. I kept asking him to wake up. It was hard to believe he was dead because his body was still warm. But after an hour his feet got colder, his wings got stiff and part of me knew he was gone but part of me didn’t want to admit it. He even still had a smiling face when he died.
This is not an attack on anyone. I just need to let this out of my chest so that I can breathe more lightly. I know it might be not the best thing to do to post this on a journal. I might just keep pushing people away at the end. I know I should promote my merchandises for Christmas & New year sale now. I know I should do this and that but… I just don’t have enough spirit to keep painting and promoting my stuffs happily like I’m supposed to do. Best I can do is posting pics of my birds daily… trying to have normal days.
Perhaps I’m just the kind who thinks too much, who is easy to get emotionally with personal life events, who empathize and feel beyond most people do… I think I’m like a slug with no armor at all, easily get hurt and can only stay hidden in shadow enjoying my small world. Even so, people can still find me and poke me.
It’s really hard to be social with people for me. They tend to scare me because I don’t think I can read people as good as I can with animals. Animals are simple. They don’t manipulate us, don’t stab us on the back, don’t judge, don’t ask a lot from us. They just want to be with us, understood and loved… It’s always 1 + 1 = 2 with animals, but not with people. Animals will only hurt us if they are scared or get hurt. But people will hurt others for fun, for superior feeling, for revenge, for being ignorance…
I know people that care about me will just smile when they read this journal and say something like, “Lol, we know. We’ll be here when you celebrate Pocky’s death anniversary next year. He’ll get more Jack-O-Poc pumpkin pics you bet! And many, many more in the future.” But people who don’t, probably will get offended. They will need to explain themselves by saying they care about me on the first sentence and the rest will be about them though.
But just like a wise friend of mine once said, Those who matter don’t mind. Those who mind don’t matter.
Thank you for reading this.