It's really hard for me to tell you this but Pocky passed away about 12 hours ago, at 1 pm Friday Oct 25th. I lost my balance in the colony cage and accidentally step on him who was behind me. He didn't die instantly. I thought he wouldn't. He could still fly and when I put him on my hand he had started panting. When I brought him inside my house, he had a fit then died.
I can't stop crying now. I feel so horrible and hate myself. I miss him so much I can't stop crying and calling his name. It's so hard to accept his death. I can still feel him everywhere. Everything in my house reminds me of him. I can't sleep on my bed because I usually snuggled with him there before we went to sleep. I can't believe he had to go away like this. I feel so guilty no matter what I try to think of, no matter what my husband said. I can't even cry as harder as I want because he will be mad.
I don't know if Pocky knew his time would be up soon. But this month he wanted to cuddle more with me. He usually asked to be picked up from the colony cage to my bedroom at 6pm, but this month even at 4.30 to 5 pm he had rattled the wire to be picked up. The last 2 days, he even didn't want to stay in the colony cage. He rattled the wire every hour, everytime he saw me from the cage window which is directly across my working room. I even had to put newspaper on my window so that he couldn't see me and now I really feel terrible because of it.
I miss him so much... no matter what positive thought I've said to myself I just feel I wanna die. I feel like a big failure... but if I die, who'll take care of my pets... I even didn't go to my father's wake because I found Pipi at the same day my dad died. I couldn't go because I had to feed Pipi and her siblings every 2 hours... but now I'm afraid she will die young too and I saved her for nothing. I don't know how I can face her death later.
Papao has laid an egg and for a moment I wanted to let it hatch if it's fertile. But I know it's not right... there's no way any chick can replace Pocky. He was special... I still have a lot of his pics I haven't shared, but I don't know when I'll be able to share them again. I need some time to mourn his death, and a lot more time to make peace with myself.
I wish I had someone irl that I can talk to but no one understands how much he meant to me here. I've never felt so alone... I miss having him inside my tshirt... I miss his specific cute voice that's different than the other lovebirds. I have recorded it this week because he actually has learned a new trick; bobbing head while singing a rhythm. I taught it to Papao but he was the one who caught it.
He was burried under the tree where I found Pipi's nest... my husband helped digging the ground. I still can't believe he's gone... It's like if I go to his cage I can still find him there. I miss him so much... All the other time a pet gone I've never been this sad... perhaps it was because I wasn't bonded too much with them. I miss Pocky... I must be a mess now... I know time will heal the pain and life will go on. I'll try to be strong... I just have to love what I have been left with, my other pets, before I lost my chance with them too. But it's really hard... I miss Pocky terribly.
I know he might be just a picture of a happy looking bird to you. But please pray for him tonight. I hope he's with an angel now, one that can cuddle him 24/7 forever without failure. Pray for me too if you don't mind... for I need any strength you could lend me to face tomorrow without him. Thank you for loving him... And please just say how much you love him (if u do) instead I'm sorry for your loss. It means so much that there are others that love him even though they have never met him. I just can't wait the day I'll meet him again to say how much I love him, how much I'm so sorry for what happened and hope he will forgive me for being such a failure.