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October 25, 2013
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R.I.P. Pocky

Journal Entry: Fri Oct 25, 2013, 11:26 AM





It's really hard for me to tell you this but Pocky passed away about 12 hours ago, at 1 pm Friday Oct 25th. I lost my balance in the colony cage and accidentally step on him who was behind me. He didn't die instantly. I thought he wouldn't. He could still fly and when I put him on my hand he had started panting. When I brought him inside my house, he had a fit then died.

I can't stop crying now. I feel so horrible and hate myself. I miss him so much I can't stop crying and calling his name. It's so hard to accept his death. I can still feel him everywhere. Everything in my house reminds me of him. I can't sleep on my bed because I usually snuggled with him there before we went to sleep. I can't believe he had to go away like this. I feel so guilty no matter what I try to think of, no matter what my husband said. I can't even cry as harder as I want because he will be mad.

I don't know if Pocky knew his time would be up soon. But this month he wanted to cuddle more with me. He usually asked to be picked up from the colony cage to my bedroom at 6pm, but this month even at 4.30 to 5 pm he had rattled the wire to be picked up. The last 2 days, he even didn't want to stay in the colony cage. He rattled the wire every hour, everytime he saw me from the cage window which is directly across my working room. I even had to put newspaper on my window so that he couldn't see me and now I really feel terrible because of it.

I miss him so much... no matter what positive thought I've said to myself I just feel I wanna die. I feel like a big failure... but if I die, who'll take care of my pets... I even didn't go to my father's wake because I found Pipi at the same day my dad died. I couldn't go because I had to feed Pipi and her siblings every 2 hours... but now I'm afraid she will die young too and I saved her for nothing. I don't know how I can face her death later.

Papao has laid an egg and for a moment I wanted to let it hatch if it's fertile. But I know it's not right... there's no way any chick can replace Pocky. He was special... I still have a lot of his pics I haven't shared, but I don't know when I'll be able to share them again. I need some time to mourn his death, and a lot more time to make peace with myself.

I wish I had someone irl that I can talk to but no one understands how much he meant to me here. I've never felt so alone... I miss having him inside my tshirt... I miss his specific cute voice that's different than the other lovebirds. I have recorded it this week because he actually has learned a new trick; bobbing head while singing a rhythm. I taught it to Papao but he was the one who caught it.

He was burried under the tree where I found Pipi's nest... my husband helped digging the ground. I still can't believe he's gone... It's like if I go to his cage I can still find him there. I miss him so much... All the other time a pet gone I've never been this sad... perhaps it was because I wasn't bonded too much with them. I miss Pocky... I must be a mess now... I know time will heal the pain and life will go on. I'll try to be strong... I just have to love what I have been left with, my other pets, before I lost my chance with them too.  But it's really hard... I miss Pocky terribly.

I know he might be just a picture of a happy looking bird to you. But please pray for him tonight. I hope he's with an angel now, one that can cuddle him 24/7 forever without failure. Pray for me too if you don't mind... for I need any strength you could lend me to face tomorrow without him. Thank you for loving him... And please just say how much you love him (if u do) instead I'm sorry for your loss. It means so much that there are others that love him even though they have never met him. I just can't wait the day I'll meet him again to say how much I love him, how much I'm so sorry for what happened and hope he will forgive me for being such a failure.

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:iconzootsuitrioteer:
ZootSuitRioteer Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2014
I'm sure that adorable little bird knew you didn't mean too, he's probably looking down from birdy heaven and knowing how much he loved you and you loved him.

I have birds myself, my little man Scruffy is my buddy for life, he's my friend, my companion. I know the bond is strong.

*hug*
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:iconemmil:
emmil Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
:)
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:iconicyhugs:
icyhugs Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm sorry to hear that :hug: Yet I know Pocky is up there in heavens with my kitties LokLok and Toffie :hug:
R.I.P. My beloved Toffie by icyhugs
 
 
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:iconkitty-valentine:
Kitty-Valentine Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2013
i'm sooooo sorry to hear that....
sorry ... i didn't read it before
don't blame yourself sweety
accidents do happen... its was not your fault,
you'd never wanted to hurt him, everybody knows that
it's really hard to lose someone you love that way
there's not much i can say to relive your pain
i can imagine your sadness
i'm crying myself about it
:cheer up hug:
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:iconredfeatherfalconhawk:
RedFeatherFalconHawk Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Oh, man.  I'm sorry I'm late, but I just heard of this today.  Just wanted to say I'm terribly sorry - I know what that's like.  My mom accidentally stepped on my first bird when I was a teen.  She felt bad about it, too.  But please don't beat yourself up too much.  Sad as it is, these things happen, and judging from all of your pictures and the fact that you feel this way in the first place - you really do care about your birds, and that is what makes a great bird person.

I was so sorry to hear of this.  I may not have ever met him in person, but I miss him, too.
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:iconookamigirl00:
Ookamigirl00 Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2013
i am sorry to hear that hun accidents happen, i accidentally almost lost petry too a few days ago, he fell of my back when i was trying to grab him and he fell hard on the ground. when i grabbed him he was very weak and almost didn't respond, i didn't let him fall completely asleep and took him to cuddle him in my bed to encourage him to snap out of it, i was very lucky, given his age i was afraid i was gonna lose him, but he is ok now, around 2 weeks since it happened. It's not your fault hun, things like that happen.
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:iconalisonschofield:
AlisonSchofield Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013
I am so terribly sorry that you are having to deal with such a traumatic loss of your beloved and well loved friend. My heart breaks for you. I know there are no words that will comfort you at this time, but Pocky had a great life with you and a happy life. You need to forgive yourself, it was a terrible tragedy, but it was an accident and you can rest assured that Pocky forgave you already. Pocky is now flying high in the heavens where love is plentiful. My prayers are with you.
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:icondracostarhome:
dracostarhome Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013
I am so sorry that this happened!  I really don't know what to tell you, loss is hard!  and it will be a while before you feel comfortable again.  Truly I am so sorry.
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:icontymora11:
tymora11 Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I know how incredibly traumatic it can be to lose a beloved pet, especially a young one, when you feel responsible.

I am literally tearing up over here. :cry:
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:iconwingsforall:
wingsforall Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013
Emmil, I was in love with Pocky the first time I saw his sweet face.  He brought such joy to so many people and will be missed by so many. Ever picture of him put a smile on my face and in my heart.   I lost my Felix 7 years ago and the pain has never gone away.  There is a love and a bond that will transcend all time.  Prayers have been lifted for you and for Pocky.  I feel certain he has crossed the rainbow bridge and is playing with all the others who have gone before him.  He was loved so very much! 
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